May 26, 2022

Burying the Dead: Global Death Toll Reaches 5 Million

The world is in mourning today, as the death toll from COVID-19 has reached 5 million. This devastating pandemic has caused children to be orphaned, families to be torn apart, and communities to crumble. The United Nations convened an emergency meeting earlier this morning with all of the affected countries’ representatives present at the table. The Honorable Secretary-General of the United Nations, Antonio Trescini, brought everyone up to speed on what has transpired.

Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you all that the virus, known as COVID-19, has reached pandemic levels. People are dying within minutes of exposure. The best scientists around the world have yet to figure out a treatment or cure. The United Nations has declared this an international public health emergency and we will be convening another meeting later today here at UN Headquarters in New York City to determine the course of action moving forward as well as make appeals for additional funding.

By now, you probably already know how this virus is transmitted. We have confirmed that inhalation is the primary mode of transmission, and that it can also be spread through sexual contact. The Honorable Secretary-General himself stated that COVID-19 is “the most aggressive strain of influenza we have ever seen in our lifetime.

The virus itself has a survival rate of under 50%. In fact, we’ve seen that 99.9% of people who come in contact with the virus either die or show strong signs of infection within 10 minutes. There is no time to react and report for quarantine, nothing you can do except flee from the infected person as quickly as possible if you think you may have been exposed.

So what can we do? The United Nations has already issued a travel ban to and from all of the most highly-affected countries. Unfortunately, this ban may be difficult to enforce as most flights have already been grounded or cancelled altogether. Many roads are closed or abandoned, so you won’t find many taxis willing to take you around town either. Your best bet is to stay put for now, hunker down in your home or workplace if you can. The key is to avoid contact with other people as much as possible until the situation gets better.

If you have family members who are sick, do not approach them . Even though they may be sick for only a few minutes before expiring, there is no certainty that you will not become infected once you make contact with them. If you have any family members who are showing early signs of sickness, follow the procedures for containment and isolate them as soon as possible .

We will keep this press conference running until we receive further updates from the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in Atlanta or WHO Headquarters in Geneva. Until next time, this is President Robert Menendez of the United States of America, over and out.